70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
