There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
