Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
