You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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