i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
