oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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