She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I need moral support for this bender
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
