shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
