i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
