I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
