The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
