just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
