Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
