is your mom at the bar?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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