I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
