from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
