The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
