It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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