I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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