i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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