Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
