i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
