My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
