I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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