Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
