Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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