I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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