There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
