Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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