god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
