roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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