I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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