so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
