so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
