the condom got lost in my hair
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
