I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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