Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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