you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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