totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
