After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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