my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
