It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
