He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
