i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
