My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
