So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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