Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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