Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
