Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
