I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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