Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
